ode to abandoned cherry coke on the street

oh cherry coke on the road,
why is the concrete your new abode?
oh cherry coke, oh cherry coke
were you abandoned like my last bloke?

were you just a drunken choice?
like that manly boy with a girly voice
the vodka choice that seems alright
but the next day is quite a fright

when your lady voice does sound
and lady noise does all surround
oh cherry coke your after taste
is like a mouldy lobster paste

the booze that makes one decide
to become a vegas bride
the one that makes me think i need
to flirt with men whose hair does recede

oh cherry coke you have no use
you ought to suffer such abuse
the hunchback of notre dame
of the coca cola fam.

Ode to a Crazy Cat Lady

One day I would like to be

A bat shit crazy cat lady

All my neighbours on the block

Would hide their children on when I knock

I'd sit with my pussys and be merry

I'd pet my pussys and drink sherry

I'd play with my cats all night and day

We'd do catty things and be so gay

We'd play with yarn, we'd play with string 

We'd play with fucking everything

We'd piss on people we don't like

We'd hiss at the mailman on his bike

Oh we would scratch up all the chairs

We would give strangers evil stares

I'd use the cat flap like a twat

And I get stuck cause I'm too fat

Oh all my catty friends would giggle

At me in the cat flap as I wriggle

And then the cunts would leave me there

Because cat bastards just don't care

Ode to the Pimple on My Face

Oh little pimple on my face,

Can't you go some other place?

You're such a raunchy little bitch

When you make me want to itch

Don't punish me for picking you

I prodded once, and then you grew!

You're such a princess when you're mean

You're the most sassy drag queen

Oh pimple please cease and desist!

Why are you such a pimply shit?

Oh laugh for now my spotty friend,

But you will meet a nasty end.

Ode to the Nosehead

He's great and sweet-but my good friend

For how long should we pretend

That there is not an issue

With his excessive facial tissue

You're new boyfriend may be nice

But if I were you I'd take some advice

My dear he's clearly a Nosehead

And it'd be best if you just fled

His profile's off, it's clear to see

That there's no dip where one should be

Do you know where your nose does end?

He hasn't got that my dear friend

It's like his dad's an Avatar

Or he got hit by a big car

His forehead's swallowing his nose

And I can't lie, it clearly shows

No indentation is in sight

And it gives me quite a fright

Hide the children, keep him inside

That Nosehead makes them petrified

His nose is bridge-less can't you see?

I hate to say but it's eerie

No Bridge, no bridge does grace his nose

That bridge jumped ship quite long ago

Ode to a Drunken Mess

The day after the night before

You wake up in the clothes you wore
Your mascara is down your face
And your hair is out of place

Snippets of what did occur
Return to you and then they blur
You smell like vodka and like beer
You feel a sense of gripping fear

You may be missing several teeth
You may have boasted that you queef
Who cares if you shat on the floor?
Or if you acted like a whore?

That strange man who is in the shower
Will be gone within an hour
And then my dear go pour a drink
And throw up in the bathroom sink.

Ode to the Abandoned Toilet, 8th Avenue

I saw a toilet on the street

It could not move, it had no feet.
Oh little one what did you do?
Could you not deal with all the poo?

Oh object of the lavatory
Did you stagnate in peoples pee?
Why did your owners leave you there?
In the cruel world for all to stare?

Where you too old, were you too dated?
Did the bathroom get upgraded?
Oh dry your eyes my toilet bowl
You really are a tortured soul

Be positive my tortured friend,
This really will not be the end
Oh toilet friend, start life anew
The homeless will look after you.

Ode to the Chinless

Ladies I think we all agree,

We all like to do some charity,

And while that's great, it's really cool

There is but just one golden rule

Don't date that guy with extra skin

That dangles in lieu of his chin

Where is his chin? Where is his neck?

Where is his jaw? Oh what the heck!

Oh neck why all this cruelty?

Why are you where his chin should be?

Oh chinless men of all shape and size,

You must be such unhappy guys

Your friends will point, your parents laugh

The poor chap will have to wear a scarf

Oh lady friend you'll be a wreck

If your lover has a check.

Ode to Grumpy Farts

Oh grumpy man on facebook chat

why are you being such a twat

are you on your period

are your privates leaking blood?

please tell me angsty angry man

what is it that you plan?

i dont know much, i must say

just please don't go the hitler way.

oh why oh why are men so farty

when they pretend to be so arty

it's almost like they want to say

that they are ambiguously gay

so men of negativity

grab your crotch and be free

come out the closet or be happy

just please dont be so fucking crappy

Ode to My Best Friend's Questionable Taste in Men

Annabel, oh Annabel
Your taste in men is crap as hell
Mainly looney, sometimes wierd
Often crazy, and/or feared

If I were you I'd relocate
To find a better place to date
The looney bin's no place for you
Why not try the London Zoo?

I've heard that many hotties roam
At the Hackney Pensioner's Home
Replace the crazies with their knives
For geezers mourning their dead wives

Ode to Drunk Texting

Someone hide my phone from me

When I’ve had a glass of wine or three

Or I’ll go on a texting binge

And say some things that are cringe

Hey there guy I started seeing

Did you know that I am feeling

Like you could definitely be 

The one and only man for me

Hey there friend from freshman year

This week we should grab a beer

Why hello there my strange ex

Clear your diary and let’s have sex 

Wake up at 8 and walk to school

God I feel so fucking cool

Until my phone begins to beep

And I realize I'm a fucking creep

Oh Jesus Christ, Holy Mary

Reading these texts is fucking scary

And now I have a date this week

With that creepy acned geek

Ode to Charlotte's Breasts

i have a friend whose name is char
you can tell it's her from way afar
because on her body near the top
her chesticles do dangle and drop

they wave merrily side to side
at times you can see them from behind
be wary of the way they flap
or you will get a mighty slap

so here's to char's fanastic baps
and hoping they dont kill any chaps

An Ode to My Roomate's Wart

on lila's chin there is a wart

and in her skin it's built a fort
it's coming out, it wants to play
it's growing fast, it's here to stay

im so glad he's joining us
let's get balloons and make a fuss
hello wart on lila's face,
everyone move, it'll need some space

the party wart is here for good
and it's moving in to our hood
so lets all laugh and all be merry
lila's face is gonna get sc-ar-y