Ode to Grumpy Farts

Oh grumpy man on facebook chat

why are you being such a twat

are you on your period

are your privates leaking blood?

please tell me angsty angry man

what is it that you plan?

i dont know much, i must say

just please don't go the hitler way.

oh why oh why are men so farty

when they pretend to be so arty

it's almost like they want to say

that they are ambiguously gay

so men of negativity

grab your crotch and be free

come out the closet or be happy

just please dont be so fucking crappy

Ode to My Best Friend's Questionable Taste in Men

Annabel, oh Annabel
Your taste in men is crap as hell
Mainly looney, sometimes wierd
Often crazy, and/or feared

If I were you I'd relocate
To find a better place to date
The looney bin's no place for you
Why not try the London Zoo?

I've heard that many hotties roam
At the Hackney Pensioner's Home
Replace the crazies with their knives
For geezers mourning their dead wives

Ode to Drunk Texting

Someone hide my phone from me

When I’ve had a glass of wine or three

Or I’ll go on a texting binge

And say some things that are cringe

Hey there guy I started seeing

Did you know that I am feeling

Like you could definitely be 

The one and only man for me

Hey there friend from freshman year

This week we should grab a beer

Why hello there my strange ex

Clear your diary and let’s have sex 

Wake up at 8 and walk to school

God I feel so fucking cool

Until my phone begins to beep

And I realize I'm a fucking creep

Oh Jesus Christ, Holy Mary

Reading these texts is fucking scary

And now I have a date this week

With that creepy acned geek

Ode to Charlotte's Breasts

i have a friend whose name is char
you can tell it's her from way afar
because on her body near the top
her chesticles do dangle and drop

they wave merrily side to side
at times you can see them from behind
be wary of the way they flap
or you will get a mighty slap

so here's to char's fanastic baps
and hoping they dont kill any chaps

An Ode to My Roomate's Wart

on lila's chin there is a wart

and in her skin it's built a fort
it's coming out, it wants to play
it's growing fast, it's here to stay

im so glad he's joining us
let's get balloons and make a fuss
hello wart on lila's face,
everyone move, it'll need some space

the party wart is here for good
and it's moving in to our hood
so lets all laugh and all be merry
lila's face is gonna get sc-ar-y